Sunday, August 31, 2008

found this on craigslist

sounds like my kinda dude...

Manly Bike for Sale
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".
Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Poem for East Coast non naturalized New Belgians

Rain and East Wind this mornin’
Was cold like the North Sea blowin’
Rode through bogs of mud
And also on my run
I bet those dry-boned East Coasters
Won’t think it’s so fun.
I’ll still cheer them on
Instead of spraying beer
Like what happened to Adam Craig
Who bitched and moaned.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Memory lane

It was back to Kruger Dude's farm today for a post-crusade race and I noticed the numbers were thinner than the muck last week. I still blew but at least I'm consistant. The course was different than in September and I think I'm a better bike rider all around. The question I had then that I still have is why do all these folks wish they were from friggin Belgium? Sure they've done it there forever but why not be proud of bein an American crosser? In 10 years when some American bro's rock the world all season the same turds who want to be somethin else now will say hewas the shit makin it happen back in the day in the USA. This I'll never get.

Final count down to the GP/VH weekend...

Friday, November 23, 2007

Muddy is a Fried Turkey

Cross season is nearly over. One more weekend of the US Grand Prix where I'll race a supporting race, not the main event. I'm no where good enough for that business. A bro told me over the internet earlyier this year that I should try all the categories I fall under. I've ridden Master 50+, Beginner, Single Speed, etc and have found good qualities in each but the fact is I end up in about the same place no matter what cat I race. The good news is I feel less like a shock when I jog, I can ride faster than I have since I started after the surgery and I really dig this cyclocross thig. it's a good group of folks, some knotheads but for the most part their all cool, well respecting kids having clean healthy fun. There's a internet forum I've been particualry fond of and some good trash talk about dude's bein sandbaggers and tools. It's pretty funny and I've spent way too much time doing that.

I've been hankerin for a fried bird and sweet potato pie for T-day since I cleaned up the diet. I figured a little wouldn't hurt for celebration sake and so it was, me fryin the bird in the midst of the Coho wind that pounds our neck of town. The damned wind kept messing with the fry job though and I ended up with burn marks all over my friggin arms from oil poppin then gettin flown at me as the wind howled. I started trying to clean out the patio last week but with the El-C and Chris's half repair job spread out makin us lookall ghetto I had my work cut out to make room to fry the bird and not burn the place down.

The family dinner is always a show because the kids have to explain thier whoes before being thankful for things like boyfriends not breaking parole or for me not kicking their asses after they tear free cars apart all over the yard and leave Muddy's tools out for every friggin crack head to swipe off the lawn.

The whole family says they want to come to the GP but their gonna be disapointed cuz they think it'll be like going to Woodburn for the races there.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Apples and Oranges is B's to A's

What a blast the World Single Speed Cyclocross Champs were. Man, I was feeling faster last week than ever before. I am really improving I think at this cyclocross thing. But then I get out there to race Master C on Sunday totally get it handed to me. I've been trying to focus on my own race, my own improvement but am starting to re-think my attitude about sandbaggers. I swear I am faster than last place, but some of those dudes on the front of the race really seem to be stickin it. Plus, I felt like my skills were better in the slippery stuff and I was able to get a good vibe going in the race. Maybe I'm just spending too much time on the cross crusade chat board talkin smack about sandbaggers.

What I do know is this-Watching the A race, Master A race and teh SS WC race, those bro's have another 5 gears that dudes in the lower cats don't even know about. It's insane, in the SS WC race the top bros rode like they had geared bikes in BIG gears too. Crazy. I've tried SS, Master C, beginner and Master 50+ and get it handed to me about the same in each of those cats. Those A racers were handing it to me and all I was doing was watching there race! Insane.

Oh well, the season is almost over and it's a big finish with races in Eugene, back to Krueger dude's farm, then the USGP weekend. For the GP my lady suprised me with a pair of tix to see Van friggin Halen on Saturday night. That's the friggin bomb and I hope to be able to race earlier that day in a way worthy of the band.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships-THIS IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!

I wish I could post pics or videos. I think for next season I'll work on my tech edge instead of rising to sandbagger status. Although someday I hope to be called out as one. Anyway, Estacada today, -hot laps -this was friggin awesome.

Dave and Steve if your checkin in, I'll be out there first thing, look for the PTC with the VH blarin'. I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight it's like friggin Christmas. Jeez, if I keep this up I'll be strippin' at the GP in December! If this was only cool 30-years ago!

Full update after tomorrow's WC throwdown.

Monday, November 5, 2007

target audience

Hot damn I get to race with beginners, old beginners, single speeders and now big guys of all ages! I bet next year we get an Elephant category of 200+ lbs and over age 50. That, I might be able to top 10 at.

So after racin for the cheeseburger lap I watched closely at what bro's were wearing. With all the talk lately of sad, sad bike accidents, traffic engineering and respecting the rules of the road I took a simpler thought of dressing to be seen. What I noticed was alot of teams clothes are generally dark in color. Most have lines that fit right in with other lines such as center lines, bike lane lines, curb and sidewalk lines and even phone polls. Those last three kind of make lines with shadows and such and lead to sort of a TRON look. So my thinking is that racers clothes should contradict the lines created by the riding environment. I'm not saying dudes need flags or to look like clean up crews on the side of the freeway, but designs that create havoc and make people see them. Colors that don't blend in too. Un-Like Blue or green. Portland Velo kit seems to blend right in to alot of other colors especially on sunny days. That Oregon team would be totally invisible along the Sandy river with all the trees and greenery for example.

The best kit I saw was the S&M orange, and I hate to say it but the Zebra suits too. The problem with the zebra stripes is that I would be afraid, very afraid to wear that anywhere that is not a bike race. Cruising up Interstate (Cesar Chavez Blvd?) or in any rural area would be an invite to a Deliverance experience or something out of Pulp Fiction.

Now that said, maybe zebra stripes in different colors instead of black and white or some sort of variation of horizontal lines. I saw some dudes in the Tour of California with argyle. That's what I'm talking about. Most bike racers seem sharp enough in the shoulders to pull argyle off well I think.

Anyway, that's my thought for the day. The big boy race was a hoot but I'm all about making top 30 at the Single Speed World Champs next week. I'm dieting too by only having ice cream OR cookies for desert this week. I've also spent enough time in my day at Timber Park to know that course like the back of a bra strap.

Rock on, Cross effin rules.

P.S. Feel free to comment if you read this. Not sure anyone does.